I used to think I wished I had never experienced any of my life.  If I
had just done this or that, or not been married at all then life would
have been good, but if I hadn't had those experiences, I would not have
sympathy for women who do.  If I had not gone through that experience, I would not be able to understand why an abused woman stays with an abuser or has any positive feelings toward their abuser or loyalty or why they will not sever the relationship.  I would have no clue.  If I didn't
have my daughter, I wouldn't know anything about a teenager at all.  I
wouldn't know what it felt like to lose control or to experience
anything maternal.  I wouldn't understand mean girls.  If I didn't have
surgery for a tubal pregnancy, I wouldn't know what it was like when a
woman had a c-section.  I wouldn't know what it was like to want a child
badly, and then to not have one.  I wouldn't have known the loss.  I
wouldn't have known God's healing power and that He is my Healer and
Redeemer and Protector.  I wouldn't have known that I am His and all
that I have is His.  I wouldn't  have known that He heals from the
inside out, and that He loves me.  I wouldn't have known that my parents
love me even though it wasn't the way I thought it should be, but they
just did the best they could.  I wouldn't have known I needed to ask my
abuser husband for forgiveness for my part of the marriage that was
wrong.  I wouldn't have known that it was not all about me.  It was not
about my expectations being met, but it was about God's plan and His
will, not mine. 

It was a slow process for me to come to the Lord.  When I began living
for Him, I had to reconcile with my life and past.  I discovered God's
healing grace.  Along with following and living His word, I had to learn
who He is.  He was more than a distant person.  He became my Father.  He
became my closest friend.  I hated what I had done in my life.  I hated
all things that happened to me whether by my own choice or just the way
my life was.  Allowing God to love me, allowed me to not hate my life or
what I had gone through.  I could not have said this 5 years ago.  I
could not have even said this 2 years ago.  I now realize the amount of
healing God has done in my life through the knowledge of who He is.  I
have not arrived.  I still have a long way to go, and there is still so
much work God has to do in and through me.  I pray that I don't "miss"
it, but that I am yielded to the Spirit to fulfill all that He has
planned for me.  I also look forward to knowing Him and who He is more
and more.

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